4.23.2016,8:49 PM
The Bass Pro Siren
Forgive me, Goddess, for I have sinned.
Almost passing a Bass Pro store, the steering wheel suddenly steered left and turned into their parking lot. Struggling against a magnet, I was pulled into their front doors and pushed around aimlessly.

Passing the boot section, the tall muck boots called me like sirens. Several good 16" waterproof neoprene-top boots grabbed at me, but the plethora of camouflage made me dizzy and I had to run away. 

Turkey calls taunted me down an aisle where two older teen boys fondled turkey decoys. The cries of those poor turkeys caused distress to my ears and I escaped down the next isle. A dozen trail/game cameras looked at me with their evil eyes. And I fled down the main isle.

A little joyful Mastiif-Pit Bull puppy on a leash climbed on my feet and rolled on its back, flailing its front legs and paws pleading for tummy rubs. Falling down on my knees, I found myself muttering gibberish puppy-talk and we whined together as I was inundated with puppy kisses. 

Then turning a corner, I was confronted by numerous kayaks with their openings gaping at me, teasing me with whispers of gliding over blue water and the slip-slap of oars, slipping by green trees and birds cheering me on. Oh, the temptation, dear Goddess!! How you torment me so!!!!

Pulling away in misery, intent on escaping intact, I heard the muttering of camp chairs on top of a shelf. They sat there in their glory, judging me, knowing that I was chairless. I scrutinized each of them as they stoically sat in silence. Reaching up I pulled one down to stand on the floor. And I sat in its lap. 

Not satisfied, I pulled another down. And sat in that one's lap. Still not happy, the third chair came down, placed next to the others. After I sat in that chair's lap, I stood in front of all three. 

And pointed at one. The other chairs muttered about something called 'Goldilocks' while I helped them back to their shelf. And the giant carved wooden bear 25 feet behind me quietly snickered. 

Hurumph. I stuffed that chair in a bag and slung it over my shoulder and pushed through the menacing and salivating humanoids crowding the aisles and made my getaway. 

Through the parking lot I carried my trophy feeling satisfied that no wallets or bank accounts were injured.
posted by Macrobe
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